my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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