my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
