My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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