Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just had sex bonerless
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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