Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
