the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to calm my uterus...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
