I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
