And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
