It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize