I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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