Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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