I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
