I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
