You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
