I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
