So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
