i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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