Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
