I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize