So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
