I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
