the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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