I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
