I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
