mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
