Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
