I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
