Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
