I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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