who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
