I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
