made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My ass is underappreciated
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
