My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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