Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
