i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My bed smells like the plague
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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