Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I could have mohawked her pubes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
