I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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