So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
