do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
