Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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