My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
