She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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