Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
