hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
