All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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