so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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