I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
