What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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