I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
foreskin is a definite game changer
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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