Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
