Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
