is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
