I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
