I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize