Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
