I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
