Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
