I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
