Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
